Famous last words

I CANNOT believe that this is here. You always know your last day will come, but you never believe it. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel, and I don't know how to answer. I feel 1000 different emotions all at once, which equals no emotions at all. haha. Not true: I feel happy, and I feel sad. I feel hopeful and fearful, excited and nervous/anxious.  Overall I feel numb though, because it just doesn't seem real. Nothing has changed yet. I still went to Kirtland Saturday, church on Sunday, taught all day yesterday, and today is p-day. See, nothing different. I've said most of my goodbyes, gave my Mayfield farewell on Sunday, had an exit interview, and it's still not real. But I have had a lot of opportunities to ponder and reflect on my mission. Normally, I feel like it would be a scripture or something that comes to my mind to summarize my mission--and there are some--but the best way to describe how I feel right now comes from the good ol' Kirtland movie that we show with every tour. Yes, I can quote it, and yes, if you ask nicely I will act it out for you. :) But at the very end of the movie, the Saints are driven by persecution and commandment to go to Missouri. A sad and confused Phebe Carter Woodruff comes to Ann Whitney in the store to figure out why. I love Ann's response:

"Kirtland is my home, Phebe. I expected to live my life here. But, Phebe, the temple is finished. We have received God's law. His promises have been fulfilled!"

That's how I feel. Kirtland has become my home. I do feel like my heart will always be here. This is where I grew, where I loved and served, and where I gave my all. That makes it my home. Times like right now, I feel like I will live here forever. I feel like you all are coming tomorrow just to visit Ohio for Christmas, then I'll be back to work. This is where I have found the greatest satisfaction. But I know that this is actually it, I am going home, but I can find a purpose there too. As for the rest of Ann Whitney's quote, there are just not words to describe how much joy and gratitude I feel. When I decided 16 years ago that I was going to serve a mission, I thought that the I would be the one who would be serving. I was wrong. Heavenly Father has blessed me with SO much growth and progression, that I just don't even know how to describe it. All the promises that He made to me, I have already seen fulfilled, and I know that this is just the beginning. How can 18 months change me so much!? It's the experiences that I have been given, the aid that I have received, and the faith that has developed. I am just so overwhelmed that I am overflowing with gratitude. That overflowing may or may not have carried over to my eyes, haha.

At the trainer's meeting several weeks ago, President Sorensen asked me to stand up and bear my testimony to all the brand new missionaries about how understand my purpose has helped my mission. I told all of the missionaries, and President, that I was in the running for the Most Improved Missionary award because of coming to understand my purpose as a missionary. Not to say that I was a terrible person before my mission--because I'd like to think that I wasn't--but just because everything has become more clear and beautiful and exciting and satisfying. When you have a purpose to everything you do, life is fulfilling! My mission has been the most fulfilling thing because of understanding my purpose, no matter how long it took. Now I am just so excited to move forward with my life, take all the lessons I've learned, find a purpose in everything that I do, and living a happy fulfilling life :) If the Saints can learn and grow from trials and experiences in Kirtland and then take those lessons with them as they moved on to the trials of Missouri, then I can do the same thing with the lessons that I have learned from the same place :)

I love Kirtland. I love Cleveland. I love Ohio. I love Ohioans. I love the Amish. I love the ghetto. I love my companions. I love my leaders. I love Joseph Smith. I love my Savior. I love my Father in Heaven. I love this gospel. I love my mission.  :)

Always and forever will I be...,
Sister Melissa Maughan